…walk in a manner worthy of the calling you have received: with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3
This month we continue our discussion about Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and its powerful effects on our relationships, success, and overall wellbeing. As highlighted last month, the components that make up emotional intelligence are 1) self-awareness, 2) self-regulation, 3) social skills, 4) empathy, and 5) motivation. As you may recall, the first step in building emotional intelligence is to become more aware of our emotions and to become more aware of what triggers our emotional responses. Next, we build skills that allow us to regulate our emotions such as pausing before we react. We also want to learn to respond appropriately to the emotions of others.
Now I am going to address the third component of emotional intelligence: social skills. Our social skills have a significant influence on the quality of our relationships. Those with good social skills have fewer conflicts with others and have better communication skills. Couples who have high emotional intelligence share their feelings more openly and are more vulnerable with each other, knowing they need not fear their partner’s response. This creates a deeper connection.
Do you remember the information on Brain Anatomy 101 that I wrote about last month, and why we often respond first with our hearts (feelings) instead of our head (thoughts)? When a negative emotion surfaces, we would benefit from pausing before responding. Implementing the pause improves our social skills and relationships. Another matter to consider when we feel hurt by someone is that the other person’s perception or emotion may not match our own. Our feeling at that moment is valid, but how we react could be harmful. We can ask the following: 1) What emotion am I feeling, and why do I feel this way? 2)Does my perception match the other person’s perception? 3) Would it be better to take a deep breath and refrain from responding until I can speak more from the thinking part of my brain than the feeling part. This pause, once practiced, can become an automatic response. In addition to the above, we can improve our relationships by implementing these social skills: being a good listener, being fully present and engaged with the person we are talking to, observing body language, asking open-ended questions, making eye contact, and learning skills for conflict resolution (a topic for another time and one on which Kellie has offered excellent classes).
The fourth component of emotional intelligence is empathy. Empathy represents an opportunity to connect. Rather than feeling sorry for the person we are communicating with, we can accept the perceived emotion of the individual. Having empathy is being able to take the other person’s perspective. We can show compassion, and most importantly, we can validate their feelings (even if we don’t understand or agree). It’s not a matter of empathizing with why they are feeling what they are, but we are empathizing with what they are feeling.
The last component of emotional intelligence is motivation. You may be wondering what motivation has to do with emotional intelligence. Consider for a minute how the emotions of enthusiasm and confidence impact our motivation. Now consider what sets high achievers apart from others. Researchers have found that the emotional traits of enthusiasm and persistence, even in the face of adversity, are emotional traits that lead to success. I feel certain that most of us have experienced times when under extreme stress or duress, we felt that we could not concentrate or perform our work or other activity to our best ability. In the way that positive emotions increase our motivation, negative emotions and stress can squelch our motivation, impacting our ability to think, solve problems, plan and focus.
How can we boost our motivation? Researchers have studied what factors influence someone’s motivation and success. It was found that the power of positive thinking contributed to people’s success. They had high levels of hope and worked harder to attain their goals. My blog in June addressed the power of our thoughts, and how we can change our negative thought patterns.
The other factor influencing someone’s motivation is optimism. Optimism is closely related to positive thinking, but it takes it a step further. Optimism produces a strong expectation that everything will turn out all right, even when facing setbacks and frustrations. Optimism is defined by psychologist Martin Seligman in terms of how people view their successes and failures. Those who are optimistic see failure as something that can be corrected or improved upon. Pessimists tend to view it as a personal shortcoming, ascribing it to a character defect that they are helpless to change. These different explanations have a profound effect on how people respond to life’s challenges.
Whether we have a positive or negative outlook can be related to an inborn trait such as temperament and by our life experiences. Though we can’t change our experiences, we can change our perspectives and our temperament. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence, optimism and hope, like despair and helplessness, can be learned.
I hope you have enjoyed this small glance into the world of our emotions these past two months. I pray that it has given you hope, optimism, and a better understanding of your emotional health and its powerful effects our mental, physical, and relationship well-being.
Greta Parkinson, MA-LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents, adults, families, and couples. She has worked in the public sector as a counselor, policy maker, and director of child, adolescent, and family services, as well as in private practice offering services to children and adults. In her therapy practice she helped clients with a broad range of issues including anxiety, depression, mood issues, ADHD, parenting issues, career related transitions, relational issues, and other adjustments to life transitions. A parishioner for many years, Parkinson joined the staff of Christ Church Episcopal in 2024.
