You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.
James 1:19-20
The above Bible verse is easy to comprehend, but difficult to implement at times. I do not think James is telling us that anger is bad, but rather pointing out that our responses can be harmful. Have you ever overreacted and wondered where the strength of that reaction came from? No doubt we all experience times where our emotions override our rational thoughts.
To gain an understanding of why that is the case, let us take a quick view of brain anatomy 101. Infants’ brains mature from the bottom up. When faced with a physical threat (hunger, cold, heat, pain), they cry out. Their language centers and rational thinking centers have not yet matured. Their cry is how they communicate their survival needs. God created our brains to act before we think for our survival. When faced with danger or a physical threat, our emotions quickly propel our bodies into action or inaction. Located deep within the lower region of our brain is the amygdala which is a part of the limbic system. It regulates our emotions, the brain’s reward system, and the “fight or flight” response. It can inhibit the actions of our cortex (thinking center).
God gave us emotions for survival and for the ability to connect and develop meaningful relationships with Him and others. Our emotions enable us to care for others and ourselves. There are obvious strategies for taking care of our emotional health like getting enough sleep, exercising daily, eating healthy meals, practicing gratitude, reducing stress with relaxation techniques, and praying and meditating on God’s Word. But what can we do to improve our emotional health? Do you find yourself overreacting at times or feeling down without understanding why? When someone lashes out at you, do you strike back in anger?
What exactly is emotional health? Emotional health is best understood in the context of the term “emotional intelligence,” which was coined by Peter Salovey and John Mayer in the 1990’s. Their work was expounded upon by psychologist Daniel Goleman with his book, Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional intelligence can be defined as the ability to identify and manage your emotions and adjust your behavior accordingly. It also involves the ability to respond to the emotions of others in an appropriate manner. Research has shown that someone’s emotional intelligence (EQ) is a better predictor of success than one’s IQ (intelligence quotient) (Feist and Barron, 1996). Unlike your IQ, which remains fixed, you have the capability to increase your EQ. People with a high EQ are better equipped to manage stress, anger, and sadness, and to cultivate positive emotions. Emotional intelligence has a positive influence on relationships and social skills. It can lead to fewer conflicts and improve communication. In fact, research has also shown that a good EQ can protect you from mental disorders such as anxiety and depression.
Considering all of these highlighted benefits, what steps can we take to increase our emotional intelligence? There are several theories about emotional intelligence, but they share these common components: 1) self-awareness, 2) self-regulation,3) empathy, 4) motivation, 5) social skills. This month I will focus on developing our skills of self-awareness and self-regulation.
Self-awareness: Daniel Goleman states that self-awareness is the ability to monitor the thoughts and feelings of our inner world. It involves one’s awareness of a feeling that arises from a thought, circumstance, or interaction with another person. Your entire day is packed full of numerous thoughts and emotions, with a range of intensities. Most often we do not take the time to identify or monitor these subconscious thoughts or emotions at any given moment. To develop our self-awareness skills, we need to become more intentional about noticing our feelings. One of the first things to pay attention to and become familiar with is the physical sensations that may arise from an emotion such as a flushed face and neck, muscle tension in your face, shoulders, or neck, clenched fists or jaw, increased or decreased heart rate, shortness of breath, holding your breath, rapid breathing, butterflies or churning in our stomach, dizziness or weakness in your legs, goosebumps, or tingling sensations.
Take a quick assessment of your physical sensation, and then take a moment to identify the associated feeling(s), such as anger, sadness, hurt, disgust, worry, fear, shame, joy, or happiness. Getting in the habit of paying attention to the physical signs and identifying our feelings without judging them are key skills for building self-awareness.
Self-Regulation: When we become aware of what is happening inside of us and become capable of identifying the feeling, we can implement a pause between the feeling and our response. Pausing for self-awareness is the crucial component that allows us to activate our thinking brain and respond, rather than reacting from the activation of our emotional brain. Organizational psychologist, Adam Grant tweeted the following: “What others say doesn’t directly affect your emotions. Between their words and your feelings is your interpretation of their intention. Agency lies in the space between stimulus and response. A sign of emotional intelligence is recognizing your power to change your assumptions.”
Self-awareness is the foundation for emotional intelligence. We must first learn to be aware of our feelings before we can intentionally engage our rational mind to pause, regulate, and respond. Next month we will explore the three other skills necessary for increasing our emotional intelligence: 1) empathy, 2) motivation, and 3) social and relationship abilities.

Greta Parkinson, MA-LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with over 20 years experience working with children, adolescents, adults, families, and couples. She has worked in the public sector as a counselor, policy maker, and director of child, adolescent, and family services, as well as in private practice offering services to children and adults. In her therapy practice she helped clients with a broad range of issues including anxiety, depression, mood issues, ADHD, parenting issues, career related transitions, relational issues, and other adjustments to life transitions. A parishioner for many years, Parkinson joined the staff of Christ Church Episcopal in 2024.